Cleansing in all kind of ways...

Last week-end was my first visit to my father's house. It was a very emotional time for me but I understood it just after the week-end was over. I have decided about 4 years ago to forgive him for abandoning me. And so we are building a new relationship as I don't believe it can ever be a father/dauther relationship.

The reason it was so hard was because as we were visiting his city, he was pointing along all the spot that my brothers grew up in ( elementary school, high school, synagog, park that they played in). Now he is not trying to be mean, he was just playing tourist guide in his city and pointing out the familiar places.
I am trying not to be hurt, but there is always a natural tendency to ask : why not me? why wasn't I good enough to recieve your love? I understand, he explain to me, since one of my brother is autistic/asperger, it was just easier for him to make as tough we were not part of his life. My brother needed stability and so he tought that explaining that he had kids with another woman that he left could be very disastrous for him. Funny thing is that life caught up with him as he is now separated from that woman.
I keep praying that the time will come for me to just see my father and not feel that little pinch in my heart every time he mentions a part of his life where I wasn't there. It is very hard.
Same thing when he talks about his grand-son( my brother's kid) when he has absolutely no connection to my daughters and grand-daughters. Again, why was I not important enough? Why didn't I matter?

When we left Peterborough, on our way to Toronto, I had a meltdown in the car. Because my sweet babou was asking me if it was difficult for me to see all of those places. So when I got to the hotel and we went for supper, I had a huge supper, so huge that my stomach hurt. And when we got back home, I did the same thing. My stomach hurt it was so full. Plus it was cooked food and my stomach was having a hard time processing it. My eyes were puffy and my skin became dry again. I had trouble sleeping but it could be the father thing...
Then I was able to step back and look at what I was doing. Medicating with food.

But what it comes down to is that I forgave my father, the past is the past and nothing can change it. I will concentrate my energy on learning to know him and build something from that. Life is being very hard with him anyway, he cheated on all the woman in his life ( he is a sex addict, good thing my addiction is food, or maybe not...)his son is Asperger and his ex-wife is now suffering from Alzheimer. Horrible disease. I feel so sad for her. We went to see her as my father ask me if we could. She was very warm with me like we had a very good relationship. But in reality, I went to their house one week ( age 12), I did one trip of 2 weeks with them ( age 9) and I saw her once in my house ( age 26). She had love in her eyes for me. I understand that it is because she can remember old memories but not new one.

So all in all, it was very difficult. But I am very proud of not gaining one pound back. I am on my way down baby. Oh yeah!
For now I am on day 4 completely raw. ( I am starting the counter again because of the week-end...)

I will live in the moment, enjoying all of it.