day 5

well I am still here. I survived a very stressfull day yesterday without eating the whole house. My third daughter was in the hospital for a severe pain in her stomach. Took the whole day to figure out it was a kidney stone. She was in Chateauguay, I was in Gatineau. Her boyfriend didn't have much battery in his cellphone plus he couldn't leave her too long to use the cell phone outside of the hospital. I got text messages telling me, she is on morphine....she is getting a scan. I was loosing it. So I started to pace the house like a lion in a cage. I swear that is how I felt.
And then this urge came over me like it always does, to eat all that is in the cupboard. Opening doors, closing them. I stepped out of myself at one point and decided that it wouldn't accomplish anything to eat everything. I needed to stay focus because all would be well with Andree-anne and then where would I be? ashamed and derailed from my plan. I am still amazed that I resisted. I did go on Sparkpeople and ask for energy from everybody. I know that my prayers have been answered.
( I still wonder where that inner voice came from and where was it hiding for so long...)

So here I am, day 5 and I did exercise every day ( walking and turbo jam) this morning I ran 4 times 30 seconds. Oh my God it feels so good. I am taking it very, very, very, very slow.

day 2

I have been exchanging emails with my father ( who I didn't see in the last 23 years) for a while now. Ever since the possibility of meeting him came up, 2 years ago, I have been steadely gaining weight to end up at my biggest weight ever: 262. I am staring 300 pounds in the face and it is a scary thing. I have been gaining at least 1 pound a week and I know that if I don't do something I will just keep getting bigger until I am at the 300 pounds mark. I remember with my first pregnancy ever realizing that I could very well hit the 200 pounds mark and that scaring me and disgusting me. Well I have been over 200 for 20 years now.
Last week, my father said that if I wanted to I could see him on December 27th. I have decided to just go for it. And since then I have been able to count my calories and do my exercises.
I don't know how long it will last but for now it seems to be ok.
I wrote to my father to let him know that one of the reason I didn't want to meet with him was the fact that I was obese. He always had a very bad opinion of obese people ( that they were lazy, stupid, ignorant, imbecile...you find the adjective he used it). My whole family on my mother's side has been obese for as far as I can remember and he never missed an opportunity to put them down. He told me that I shouldn't be afraid of his judgement because he understood now that there are many different reasons to be obese. He said that he was the one who was afraid of my judgement since he was the one who abandonned us when I was 7 leaving us to be very poor, with no affection and no emotional support. I am ready to forgive him. I want this part of my life to be over with. To let it go completely.
I am tired of being obese. I am tired of not being able to wear nice clothes. I am tired of being out of breath all the time. I am suffering from many side effects from the high blood pressure medication and I want to get off of them.
I am tired of not being a good example for my youngest daughter. I am praying that my father's explanations are the key to finally releasing all this weight and to stop this self destruction path that I have been on for so long.
I want to live and to be there for my baby and to see my grand-children. I want to live a long love life with my hubby.
Please God, give me strenght.

Thanksgiving

And because I am giving thanks today for all I have in my life, it is the best day to start again with my commitment for a better life.
I have many people around me that are counting on me to be there for a long time. I enjoy life too much to be commiting a slow bite by bite suicide.
I am taking the Dr Oz approach: teaching new ways to my taste buds to fool them and mostly to break the sugar dependance.
So this morning, I didn't have my tea with brown sugar and cream, I am having my beautiful Anastasia tea with a 1/4 of a teaspoon of agave. I didn't have my toast, I had a bowl of All bran. I want to succeed. I am at 260 and it is scaring the bejasus out of me.
I don't care what people say, I don't care that I am starting all over again for the millionth time. I need to do this and I am doing this.
Day 1.

impressive stuff

Will beat 147,222 times, pump 2,159 gallons of blood, and push that blood nearly 17,778 miles throughout my body!

Created by MyFitnessPal.com

because it is appropriate

Day 6

The week-end was a bit harder but I made it. My lovey helps me so much. We have an amazing chemistry in all aspects of our lives. Even when we diet. I am so grateful that he chose me and that he allows me to love him. That he was put on my path in the universe.
Yesterday was very difficult for me, I was hungry ALL THE TIME. I am pretty sure it was psychological hunger. But I came trough.
We spent the morning painting the deck railings and I cut the grass. Maybe that's why I was so hungry. I drank lots of water.
Saturday night, we had our scheduled bowl of popcorn. And it worked fine. We ate it and that was it. I hope that it is the trick.
I am doing 10 minutes of Wii fit again today. I made a commitment. My lovey walks from the bus to his work from monday to friday, that is about 40 minutes of walking. That is one thing I miss, when the Gagoo was younger and she still fit in her stroller, we use to go for walks every night. Now she is too tall for that and she doesn't know how to ride a bike well enough to go for long outing so far.
Well, to the beginning of a new week.

day 4

The first week, I did 1 day, the second week I did 2 days, the 3 week I did 3 days and this week I am up to 4 days. The big difference, my lovey is doing it with me this time. Of course, after 4 days, he already lost 6 pounds but when you are 31, you have the metabolism of a rocket.
I am still feeling hunger but I can control it.
We just came back from the movies and we just watch the movie....No popcorn....no pepsi...no Montana's before or after.
I realize that my lovey will lose his 25 pounds in one month, most probably. And that it will take me 1 year to lose my extra weight, but it helps so much to share this with him.
The Gagoo is starting school next week, on the 31st and then I can start taking my walks again and going to the pool to do some laps.
Things are falling back into place, slowly.