first colonic

Well, I did it, I took my courage in both hands and I went for my first colonic. I came out alive. :) I have to say that it is not a very pleasant experience but I have learn alot from it.

One main thing is I absolutely need to take my time and chew my food longer. Since I had half of my saliva gland removed a long time ago and I have so much problems with my tongue ( 4 operations to remove a cyst and the last one where the surgeon injured my nerve, and left half my tongue paralyzed), I have a tendency to always chew a bit and drink water to help me swallow. Well, guess what, it shows in your colon. I had undegisted food in there. That is what caused a lot of gas and so the first session was good but the next one will be better. The uncomfort comes from the gas trapped in there. I am going back next week.

On other front ( pun intended), I always talked myself in starting to run once I would reach the 225 mark. I am now at 235 but yesterday I had to run to hurry up to put my neighbor's recycling out as the truck was coming, I ran more then 1 minute and I wasn't out of breath, I wasn't in pain. All was well. That scared the hell out of me. Everytime I ran in the past, I always ended up with an injury. I am doing some soul searching. Because I really want to run, I love the feeling, I love the exhiliration, I love the accomplishment. I see people run all the time here and mostly in Ottawa and I always feel the urge to do the same. So the time is coming. I will wait for the Gagou to start school, 40 days. I will be closer to 225 and ready mentally.

I continue to experiment with raw recipes. Some are amazing, some I don't like too much. I am having a hard time getting use to the taste of sprouted sunflower or sprouted alfalfa. I guess it will be an acquired taste. But I absolutely love all the falafel version I tried, I have made amazing

orange-almond-carrot cookies. My lovey loves them to. And I can't go without my coconut-banana "yogurt".

All is well here, the motivation is amazing. My biggest test will be next week when we leave for vacation in PEI with the girls. But I am bringing my juicer. :)

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Cleansing in all kind of ways...

Last week-end was my first visit to my father's house. It was a very emotional time for me but I understood it just after the week-end was over. I have decided about 4 years ago to forgive him for abandoning me. And so we are building a new relationship as I don't believe it can ever be a father/dauther relationship.

The reason it was so hard was because as we were visiting his city, he was pointing along all the spot that my brothers grew up in ( elementary school, high school, synagog, park that they played in). Now he is not trying to be mean, he was just playing tourist guide in his city and pointing out the familiar places.
I am trying not to be hurt, but there is always a natural tendency to ask : why not me? why wasn't I good enough to recieve your love? I understand, he explain to me, since one of my brother is autistic/asperger, it was just easier for him to make as tough we were not part of his life. My brother needed stability and so he tought that explaining that he had kids with another woman that he left could be very disastrous for him. Funny thing is that life caught up with him as he is now separated from that woman.
I keep praying that the time will come for me to just see my father and not feel that little pinch in my heart every time he mentions a part of his life where I wasn't there. It is very hard.
Same thing when he talks about his grand-son( my brother's kid) when he has absolutely no connection to my daughters and grand-daughters. Again, why was I not important enough? Why didn't I matter?

When we left Peterborough, on our way to Toronto, I had a meltdown in the car. Because my sweet babou was asking me if it was difficult for me to see all of those places. So when I got to the hotel and we went for supper, I had a huge supper, so huge that my stomach hurt. And when we got back home, I did the same thing. My stomach hurt it was so full. Plus it was cooked food and my stomach was having a hard time processing it. My eyes were puffy and my skin became dry again. I had trouble sleeping but it could be the father thing...
Then I was able to step back and look at what I was doing. Medicating with food.

But what it comes down to is that I forgave my father, the past is the past and nothing can change it. I will concentrate my energy on learning to know him and build something from that. Life is being very hard with him anyway, he cheated on all the woman in his life ( he is a sex addict, good thing my addiction is food, or maybe not...)his son is Asperger and his ex-wife is now suffering from Alzheimer. Horrible disease. I feel so sad for her. We went to see her as my father ask me if we could. She was very warm with me like we had a very good relationship. But in reality, I went to their house one week ( age 12), I did one trip of 2 weeks with them ( age 9) and I saw her once in my house ( age 26). She had love in her eyes for me. I understand that it is because she can remember old memories but not new one.

So all in all, it was very difficult. But I am very proud of not gaining one pound back. I am on my way down baby. Oh yeah!
For now I am on day 4 completely raw. ( I am starting the counter again because of the week-end...)

I will live in the moment, enjoying all of it.

my 15th day raw

I have been raw for 15 days now. It is going very well. It was an easy shift for me since I have been vegetarian for 7 years now.
So I eat fruits in the morning, a green juice for lunch and a huge salad with lots of seeds ( flax, chia and hemp) for supper. My snacks are mostly watermelon and some raw fudge that I made from a recipe from princess I am. I did it with brazil nuts and I didn't add the hemp butter. So far I have lost 15 pounds.
I just made some amazing raw falafel and I have to hold back from eating them all. They are from the renegade health show.
It is a good thing I have a dehydrator because it is almost always in use.

This lifestyle brings so much energy it is unbelivable. It also helps me to connect back to the Universe. Gives you a new respect for food, for the time it takes to actually grow and for all the people that it takes to bring it to us. For years now, I have always made the same prayer before eating : I give thanks for the food that I have, the people that grew it and the people that brought it to me. But it had became an automatism. Now I truly take the time to say it and I really enjoy each bite I take.
I believe that the fact that I am eating so much organic food is helping me to stay on track. I know that there is a question of nutrient. It is proven that you get so many nutrient from the green that you eat that your brain is always satisfied. And I truly get that. In my case, there is also the monetary issue. Since I am investing so much in my health, I don't want to blow it all.

It is said that anger reside in your liver. Let me tell you that I am cleaning my liver for sure. Because I feel lots of anger. The first few days, I was crying alot. Releasing anger and frustration. When I go to sleep at night, I am relaxed and in peace. It feels very good.

I am off to the pool. Enjoying my last few days because the Gagou is finishing school next week, so no more laps until september. :(

day 3 JF

I am on day 3. I almost blew everything away yesterday. It is unbelivable what the fact of not chewing anything does on the body.

We were watching Law and Order SVU and the captain of the police station is an alcoholic and he says: I am tempted every day, every day is a struggle and it has been 20 years! I am starting to wonder if that is the way I am suppose to be thinking to. I have to make a constant and conscious effort to not overeat. Something is really wrong in my head. That is why I am juicing right now. To try and get some clarity, to try and brake my addiction to food. I don't think I can do the 92 days program right now. I am not strong enough. But at the same time I am terrified that once I start to eat again I will go overboard. So I have spend the last 2 days planning meals and getting organised.

I have also come to the realisation that I can't go raw 100%. There are many wonderful sites on the internet and they all suggest the same thing, go in to it slowly. Better eating raw 50% then not at all.

I have the book of Brendan Brazier on the Thrive diet. And I am planning to go onto that as soon as I finish the juice. We are going on a girl's trip on April 14th, to Toronto to go visit the Tim Burton exhibit at the TIFF. We are sleeping over at the Marriott and we will also visit the Royal Ontario Museum. There is no way I can juice while we are there plus I don't want to have to explain to my daughters what I am doing. So I will break the juice fast next week and ease into the Thrive menus. There are plenty of stuff I can bring over on the trip and I will try to visit a raw restaurant. They have those in Toronto.

juicing

I am starting a juice feast. My goal is 14 days but I am taking it one day at a time.
As they say: if you keep doing what you have been doing, you will get the same results. I am basically trying to start a new way of respecting my body. I know that alot of people don't agree with juice feasting. I have been reading on this for over a month now. I am following some of the idea from the juice lady and I plan to transition over to a . raw diet Since I am already a vegetarian ( have been for 8 years) it will not be that big of a change for me. As always more planning to change my habits.

Some people will see this as another fad diet. But my two problem triggers are butter and bread. On a raw lifestyle there is none. No butter, no bread.
Brendan Brazier is a triathlete that is also a raw vegan. I have both book so I have plenty of menus.

The buzz word right now is paradigm shift ( A dramatic change in methodology or practice. It often refers to a major change in thinking and planning, which ultimately changes the way projects are implemented.) Well I am doing a paradigm shift.

So far, my best juice has been :
4 celery stalk,
2 apples,
1 chunk of ginger root,
25 red grapes.

I also did :
1 beet,
4 carrots,
1 chunk of ginger root
( the effect of the raw beet on my stomach where intense, I immediatly got a big wave of nausea, apprently that is normal)

I plan to post my juice recipe and my impression over the next few days.

Now I am off to plan my menu for my raw lifestyle.

- 5 pounds

This is a big loss because it brings me under 250.
I am sick as a dog, I have the cold from hell. It feels like the story from Stephen King, the one where people actually drown in their mucus, can't remember the title. The upside is that I am always nauseated so I am not hungry. I still go out for my walk and I started jog walking to. I am at 5 minutes walking 1 minute jogging. And I do my laps on monday, wednesday and friday. I don't have a fever so I figure it is okay to still exercise. I can't sleep properly because there is always a tickle in my throat that makes me cough.
I think I have momentum and motivation. Let's ride it baby. :)